Are you a regular ‘gotcha’ player? Is it a popular game in your office or home? If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then you’re one of the lucky ones. If I had my wish, the game of ‘gotcha’ would be banned tomorrow. 
What is ‘Gotcha’, I hear you ask? It comes in many forms, but the rules are similar, regardless of the format. The purpose of ‘Gotcha’ is noticing the faults or mistakes of others, and then using them against them.
The purpose of this nasty little game is sometimes to try and make someone feel bad about doing, or not doing something, but it equally might just be a points-scoring exercise, where one person tries to ‘get one over’ on another person.
It’s a complex form of the equally unpleasant ‘I told you so’, and it achieves nothing good.
Here are some examples:
- Your team leaders are expected to hand in monthly reports by the 5th of the month. One of your team leaders is late handing it in. A couple of days after they were due, you are in a meeting with all the team leaders and their teams, and you point out to her in front of everyone that the report was not turned in on time, to make sure that she knew that you knew, embarrassing her in front of her staff. Gotcha!
- You go into the office next door to use the photocopier, and one of your colleagues in there is looking at Facebook. You loudly point out that they are using Facebook during work time. Gotcha!
- You regularly remind your partner to replace consumables when they are empty – kitchen paper, tissues, wet wipes, that sort of thing. You’re taking your child to daycare on the way to an important meeting. Your child makes a mess on the way and needs his face cleaned, but there are no wipes in the car where they should be. You get messy too and are late for the meeting, and let your partner know the minute you return home. I told you so!
You may feel that the people in these examples were all in the wrong, and I’m not disputing that. It’s not about who is right and wrong, but about how the issues are approached.
By exerting perceived ‘moral authority’ and effectively putting someone in his or her place, to put someone in a corner, or to try to guilt trip the other person, it becomes a ‘gotcha’.
It’s not that these issues shouldn’t be dealt with – quite the opposite. I’m just suggesting that they can be dealt with in a caring, respectful and personal manner, instead of playing the ‘gotcha’ game.
I’m sure we’ve all been in situation where the ‘shoe is on the other foot’, and we have been put in a corner this way. We’ve all felt what it’s like to be publically embarrassed by someone. Equally, we’ve all made what are simply honest mistakes but, instead of having them treated as what they are, we’ve instead been made to feel bad because of them. The protagonist in all these situations was playing ‘gotcha’.
Think for a moment about how you felt about the person who did this to you at the time. Did you have uncharitable thoughts about them? Even further, did you vow to ‘get them back’? The ‘gotcha’ game has long term impact, as people don’t ‘forgive and forget’ easily or quickly, creating long term friction and disharmony. It can also escalate, as the victim tries to get their own back, which ups the stakes and creates even more tension.
Power struggles are hardly conducive to positive long-term interpersonal relationships – in fact, they have a tendency to destroy them. There is no ‘win-win’ in a power struggle – for one person to win, the other must lose. There’s no room for this in collaborative relationship-based interaction, which means there’s no room for the game of ‘gotcha’. Whether it’s a family, social or professional scenario, ‘gotcha’ damages relationships, creates mistrust and builds walls that are difficult to tear down. This serves no-one in the long-run, which makes those who play the game appear very short-sighted.
So, let’s do what we can to kick the dreaded game of ‘gotcha’ out of the home, office and out of our relationships.
Let’s give those around us the benefit of the doubt instead. Let’s treat these relationships as strategic partnerships, and build harmony, synergy and co-operation through mutual trust and respect. We must recognize that we are all human, and that we all make mistakes.
How you deal with the mistakes you and others make is your choice; and that choice can have far-reaching consequences for your partnerships. On that basis, let’s see if we can’t kick “I told you so” out of our vocabulary!
