Every workplace, family and circle of friends has at least one – never mind the people that won’t let you get a word in edgewise, the ones with whom your thought process isn’t your own. The people who not only have to have the last word, but the first word and most of the ones in the middle as well. They listen intently, not to what you have to say, but so they can pre-empt your intake of breath and cut in: The dreaded ‘interrupters’.
They aren’t bad people, they might just be really interested in the subject under discussion. They almost certainly aren’t even aware that they are doing it. They’re also unaware of how much their behavior damages: it damages them, their relationships, and the people they are interrupting.
When someone interrupts a conversation, they show disregard and disrespect for the person speaking. What butting in really says is “What I have to say is more important than what you are saying”. Those who butt in on a regular basis often appear to others to be egotistical, self-important and disrespectful. None of these are admirable or attractive qualities. Often, these people are so wrapped up in what they are saying that they’re oblivious to the impression they’re creating, but ignorance doesn’t stop people making decisions which may limit their careers.
Another, less apparent downside to constant interruptions is what else is lost. We’ve all had ideas that disappear just as soon as they appear. When interrupted, these ideas can simply evaporate, forgotten and unheard. In their enthusiasm to share their own ideas, interrupters can destroy fledgling creativity and ideas in others.
Finally, the act of interrupting is not only disrespectful of those being interrupted, but is also hurtful to them. While some people are naturally ‘thick skinned’, others may not be so, and they may find being disrespected in such a way extremely hurtful. Being treated like this doesn’t normally give the person being hurt a particularly positive impression of the person who has upset them. No matter how old you are, I’ll bet you can remember someone who upset you as a child. Hurtful memories last a long time, and are not easily forgotten. This does not bode well for future co-operation.
Stephen Covey gave good advice when he counseled us to “Listen to understand, not to respond.” Further back in time, the Greek philosopher Epictetus is attributed with the concept that: “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” By focusing on the person talking, and making a conscious effort to understand what is being said, we can improve our communications and consequently our relationships.
Here are some points you may not have previously considered:
* Listening can provide you valuable information. Talking doesn’t teach you anything new.
* By not allowing someone to finish what they are saying, you may miss something important and jump to the wrong conclusions.
* Conversation happens between two or more people. Talking at someone isn’t a conversation, it’s a monologue!
* Listening carefully shows respect and enables conversation.
* Thinking before you respond can increase the quality of your own communication and improve your image.
* Waiting to respond shows self-confidence and emotional maturity.
Wait Five: I always tell my coaching clients to try waiting for five seconds before responding to someone. This gives the speaker space and, if the speaker is not finished, it allows them to continue. Most of all, though, it gives the speaker the respect they deserve.
So concentrate on having a conversation with someone, not talking at them and, if you catch yourself about to cut in, don’t. Instead, refocus on the content of the conversation. Use that extra five seconds to understand it, commit it to memory and formulate your reply before you respond. Your conversation partners, and your career and relationships, will thank you for it.
