The Art of A Great Apology

Category: Self Ownership / Attitude

No matter how hard you try to be perfect, I can guarantee that, at some point, you’ll have the need to apologize to someone! I find it interesting that a lot of people think that having to apologize is a sign of weakness, when it is really a sign of humility, self confidence, caring, and strength.

Here are a few points to consider:

1. Sincerity. An apology is a waste of words unless you mean it. Apologies which are made because someone else thinks you should, because you feel it’s ‘the right thing to do’, or because you’re hoping to get something in return aren’t apologies at all. They’re meaningless social devices and, sooner or later, people will see them for what they are.
2. Responsible. Taking responsibility and ‘owning up’ to your part in whatever triggered the need for the apology is a fundamental part of properly saying sorry. An example of this is “I can see how what I said hurt your feelings”.
3. Unqualified. No apology should have conditions attached to it. “I’m sorry I yelled at you, but you shouldn’t have raised your voice” is not an apology. “I’m sorry I raised my voice” is.
4. Regret. Regret is an essential part of a true apology, as it shows you understand why the person is hurt. “I’m really sorry that I missed your birthday” shows you care.
5. No return apology expected. Sometimes people apologize in the expectation that the other party will return the courtesy. This is a form of conditional apology. You apologize because you believe you need to, not because you believe someone else should.
6. Empathy. By trying to see the other person’s perspective, you help mend bridges much faster and more effectively. A good example would be “I’m really sorry I didn’t acknowledge your contribution to the project. You did some really great work, and if I was in your shoes, I’d be angry and hurt too.”
7. Resolution. Sometimes, ‘sorry’ isn’t enough. You may need to fix something, so tell the recipient what you’re going to do and when. You can conclude your sincere apology with an explanation of how you intend to fix the problem.  Committing to specific time frames can be even more powerful in achieving a resolution.
   When and Where?

When should you apologize? There’s no time like the present! The sooner you apologize after recognizing that you need to, the better. It can help prevent hard feelings and avoid making the situation worse. That said, it is never too late to apologize. There is no statute of limitations on a much-needed apology.

Where to apologize? In person, if you possibly can. Try to do so at a time and place where you won’t be rushed – you need to give the recipient the opportunity to talk, if they want to. By rushing it and denying the opportunity for a restorative discussion, you risk negating the entire purpose of the apology. If it can’t be done in person, phone is the next best thing. Please also remember that voicemail is not a phone conversation – apologies require dialogue.  Email is the absolute last resort. If you can’t meet up or talk on the phone, at least have the courtesy to write a proper, old-fashioned letter rather than an email.

I’ll leave you with a great quotation that seems to sum up perfectly:

“Apology is a lovely perfume; it can transform the clumsiest moment into a gracious gift.”
–Margaret Lee Runbeck